a paradox, a paradox (a most amusing paradox, as G&S would say):

on one hand, i sit here today with greater piece of mind and contentment than i have ever experienced before in my life. on the other hand, i can't seem to stop crying.

right now, i'm welling up over my co-worker's news that her son's cancer is in remission and he might even be cured. this weekend, it was missing my dad. and i think what tipped the whole thing off was riding the metro early Friday morning:  a stocky, haggard-looking older woman in sweats slumped into the seat across from me with a dialysis shunt sticking out of her neck. suddenly my whole face started to burn - not with the usual worries about my brother, but with love and sympathy for this woman. this poor woman. and what she is going through. (i cry even as i type this...jeez). the sense-memory of sitting with my brother at the dialysis center flooded my brain and i could hear him describing the pain of it... "this poor woman", i thought. "it's 8am. i hope she's not heading to work after that. she looks so drained and miserable. i wish i could send her my sympathy. i wish i could send her some energy to get through the day." stepping way out of character, i tried to smile at the stranger, but i felt stupid. after a few more stops, this pang of...sensitivity or whatever...went away and i proceeded with my normal day.

like i said, overall life is fine. i wake up in the morning and feel happy. i feel happy at various points throughout the day. i feel loved and supported, and that makes me want to be more loving and supportive of others. i deal with worry and fear much better than i used to, and that makes everything tolerable. i have hope, but i try not to be too anxious about things. my heart is light and open. but my heart is also broken.

i think that's what it means to be "sensitive" - to always have a broken heart. on the whole, i don't even think it's a bad thing; it just means i need to take care of myself. when i was little, i needed someone strong - like my dad - to protect me. when my brother would goof around and tease me, he would say, "she's timid, you have to be gentle with her". these days, i'm unquestionably strong enough to take care of myself. but paradoxically, that means accepting my own weakness.

what my late 20s have taught me thus far is that life just keeps getting harder and it's a struggle to maintain some kind of balance. i devote little intellectual energy to the actual outcome of things (i.e. where i stand in the job hunt, status of relationships, etc.) and even less to stuff like popular culture. somehow, i've become one of those people who hasn't heard any of the songs on the radio (not all the way through, at least) and hasn't seen most of the big movies. but i don't really miss those things either. they're necessary as distractions, but that's all they are. at this stage, it's easy for me to get things that will give me momentary pleasure. now i'm trying to concentrate on the things that give me deep and lasting contentment...

probably too abstract and boring for a blog. sorry again.

xo

Currently Watching Nico Icon By Nico, Christian Aaron Boulogne, Tina Aumont, Edith Boulogne, Jackson Browne see related

i know after 3 months or so, i owe my readers (such as they are) a proper update. but i think, with my advanced age, i'm beginning to wean myself off the constant introspection and self-absorbed musing. tonight i'm feeling very...i dunno...zen i guess. or harmonious? so i'll just say this:

life is chaos. but all is well.

i don't need to figure anything out.

xo

Currently Listening Tyrannosaurus Hives By The Hives see related

ok, i don't really know what to say. i read my last entry and that seems like so long ago. i know it may not seem that way from this blog, but i don't particularly want drama in my life. shit just keeps happening. i don't even know what to make of it anymore, so i just write it down. 

after all the tumult of 07, i planned to ring in the new year quietly and reflectively. i was to attend one housewarming party and then head home around 11:30 to take my traditional new years shower. the tradition started 5 years ago in shanghai, when i was on another solo holiday sabbatical. on new year's eve 02, i found it too miserably cold to stay out to watch the fireworks (which, being in china, were f*cking spectacular) so i headed back to my hotel room to go to bed. i was in the shower as midnight came and i kind of liked the idea of starting out the new year "clean". so every year since then, i've used my tradition as an excuse to stay indoors (and let's face it, out of trouble).

not so much this year. i attended the housewarming as planned, but found myself in the company of a very attractive friend of my roommate, who was visiting from out of town. we talked, we revelled, we danced danced danced, and one thing, as they say, led to another. just to be clear - pp does not have sex with dudes she just met...but we had a nice time together and the next morning i felt at the height of my feminine powers. new year's day was lovely and relaxed - until i called my dad.

it seems my brother spent his new years in the hospital. it wasn't too serious - unless you consider a mini-stroke serious - but sadly, these days it's not so unexpected. so here i am, back where i was at roughly the same time last year, only now my brother is down two kidneys. it has taken some time for the implications to really hit me. of course, that birthday trip to new york is off, and we'll see about japan in august. i need to save up my leave and my money, in case i ending up coming to LA unexpectedly like last year.

emotionally, i'm trying to stay in wait-and-see mode. there's no use freaking out about something that hasn't happened. despair is the enemy. i must not give up hope.

but what i really feel right now is just how...unfair this is. unfair to my brother, of course, because he's not even 32 years old (for god's sake). he has his whole life ahead of him. he has plans. he wants to live and he's worked so hard to have a normal life. and though i feel incredibly guilty for my selfishness, i also feel it's unfair to me. i mean, how the hell am i supposed to know how to deal with this? i don't want to burden other people - especially because my fellow late 20somethings are at a loss as to how to help me - but i can't carry this around either.

that's all i have to say.

Currently Reading Madame Bovary (Penguin Classics) By Gustave Flaubert see related

everything is closed now, so here i am, camped out on the couch in my new house with the roommates away. this would be the optimal time for me to record whatever sad realization i've recently come upon, but unfortunately (or fortunately?) i haven't had any sad realizations lately. in fact, taking stock over these past few days of solitary contemplation, i'd have to conclude that i'm fairly happy. happy in a way i may have never felt before.

it's not the feeling of elation or excitement that comes with something really awesome happening or anticipation of something good. it's more like serenity. an absence of worry. or rather, an absence of the disquieting feeling that usually accompanies thoughts about one's problems.

it's like i said earlier: nothing has really changed. bro is still sick. dad is still old. i still hate my job and am trying desperately to get back to human rights work asap. but on the bright side, i know that state wants me back eventually and at least i've determined what i want to do with my life. that's a lot, actually -  even if things don't pan out precisely according to my timetable. in fact, i think part of my happiness can be attributed to throwing out the idea of a timetable. impatience has always been one of my deepest flaws. i never stick things out unless i have no other choice; i prefer to jump from one new challenge to another. however, i think i've now reached a point where starting over all the time is tiresome. i like the idea of building something up and having something to show for my time and effort, instead of just a collection of experiences (cool or impressive as they may be).

this applies personally as well as professionally. now in my late 20s, i think i can fairly state that i have my sh*t pretty well together. in the past month or so, during a self-inflicted social hiatus, i gave serious thought to what kind of life i want for myself. from this point, i will try my best not to second-guess myself and overthink everything. that's my resolution, if you will, not to overthink and to be patient.

i think next year is going to be great. and if contentment doesn't make for interesting blogging, i apologize in advance.

best wishes, everybody

xoxo 

Currently Listening Loaded By The Velvet Underground see related

if you thought i spent the last 2 months living such a captivating life that i had no time for introspection...that would be somewhat true. the last 2 months have been full of Fun. however, Fun starts to sound pretty mundane once you type out all the details - so nevermind the details. suffice it to say i have no complaints these days...

nothing major has changed in my life except my perspective. so along with the aforementioned Fun, i suppose i did manage to squeeze in a fair amount of introspection since September. i can summarize my findings as follows:

a) quarter-life crisis - i've always been driven to achieve 'self-actualization'. the idea was that constant improvement (intellectual, emotional, physical) would eventually bring me all the things i wanted out of life (career, love, beauty). however, i've finally come to understand that - to paraphrase langston hughes - life is not some crystal stair. it gets harder as you go, not easier, and it doesn't matter what kind of advantages you have or how well you prepare yourself. you don't just keep marching onwards and upwards until you reach the plateau of success/happiness. everyone stumbles and loses direction and most people get stuck somewhere in the middle. at first, the realization that, like everybody else, i'm probably not going to get everything i want out of life was depressing. but in a strange way, that realization also makes me appreciate all the things i have more.

b) facing uncertainty - anyone who has read earlier entries from this blog or spoken to me for more than, say, an hour detects a certain pessimism in my worldview. because my short life has been so tumultuous, i've always been 'waiting for the other shoe to drop'. however in the past few weeks, i've gotten a lot more comfortable with the idea that life is simply unpredictable. in many cases, this is a good thing - like when i keep randomly running into old friends and crushes. much of the cool, memorable stuff that's occured in my life has not occured according to plan (like getting into grad school). as for the unpleasant surprises...i must remind myself that i've always persevered. my anxiety about being alone in a crisis dissipates once i realize i've successfully tackled a few crises by myself already and anytime i really need help, god (if you will) provides it.

c) my relationship with myself - i'm not sure how many of you (who know me in life or just read this blog) see through me. i love to talk about myself and i think i'm a compelling subject. but i admit i probably wouldn't be so self-consciously self-absorbed if i just felt...loved. now, this gets into some sticky territory, so i'll try to keep it simple. see, i don't have a mom like most people. it's been a very long time since anyone told me i was special or good like moms do. but that doesn't mean that i'm not. people are always telling me i'm "sweet", or even "adorable", and it always embarrasses me because i don't know where that's coming from. it wasn't until my brother told me about my mom and about my childhood (which i don't really remember) that i started to get the sense that i really am lovable - not only as a giggly child, but as a deeply caring and loving adult.

d) my relationship with my family - these are the original men in my life, and though i love them dearly, i don't think anyone can blame me for developing some issues around them. it was as i was rereading Catcher in the Rye (a book i appreciate much more as an adult than as a teenager) that i struck the well of guilt and sorrow that apparently courses underneath my relationship with my brother. i don't know why i didn't notice it sooner, but Holden Caulfield isn't just some whiney, angsty kid - he's grieving the death of his little brother. when he talks about smashing all the windows in the garage, i can imagine myself reacting in a very similar way. and when he pictures his brother's grave...reading that sent me into a hysterical fit of wailing. my chest actually hurt from crying so hard. it still pains me to think about it, but i have to admit that i can't help my brother (or rather, save him). or dad. or mom. on the bright side, my dad is still here, and despite his limitations, i think he realizes that he's the one man in my life i can truly rely on.

e) my relationships with men - when it comes to romance, i have either been very unlucky or very lucky. you could say i'm unlucky in that the 2-month curse is in full effect. i've had what you might call serious relationships, but never a long-term relationship, and i'm still not sure why. on the other hand, i've probably avoided far greater heartache by recognizing flaws in my relationships early on. the question is how to proceed from here. a relationship is not, in itself, an answer to life's problems. even a good relationship takes a lot of work to maintain. so for the time being, i'm happy to keep my options open and just enjoy a guy's companionship. ultimately, i think what i'm looking for is someone who is my equal and i don't think i've found that yet. my other conclusion is that i need to hold the men in my life accountable. the pattern i've developed from family interactions is to enable and bend over backward in forgiveness. that might work (somewhat) for dad or A. since they've taken care of me my entire life, but some dude (who probably just wants to sleep with me) should not get that same consideration. i should have been much harder on my ex, S. but that's neither here nor there. any guy in my future is going to have to earn my trust and respect.

f) final point:  life is too short to lament all the things you deserved but didn't get. i have always believed that time fixes everything and attempted to comfort heartbroken friends with this sentiment. however, i could do a better job taking my own advice. i needed to let go of the bitterness that was building up from the stress of this year. i still have to stop pushing all the time and trying to keep things together by sheer force of will. for what it's worth, i currently feel about 10x more content than i did 2 months ago, 4 months ago, or even a year ago. things aren't perfect - things aren't even necessarily getting better - but i really have no complaints. it's great to have piece of mind. for no particular reason, i'm back to enjoying myself and looking forward to the future.

xo

Currently Reading A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man (Penguin Classics) By James Joyce, Seamus Deane see related